When Bronnie Ware, an Australian palliative care nurse, began writing down the regrets her patients shared in their final weeks, she didn’t expect the list to resonate with millions. But her 2012 book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, struck a chord because it names the things we secretly fear we’ll miss: living authentically, working less, expressing feelings, keeping friends, and choosing happiness.
Ware’s observations are anecdotal, not scientific, and her patients were mostly white, middle-class Australians. Yet other hospice nurses report similar themes, and psychological research on regret backs up the pattern. Here’s what dying people say they wish they’d done differently—and what that means for the rest of us.
1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
This is the most common regret Ware heard. Patients looked back and saw how many of their choices—careers, relationships, even hobbies—were shaped by other people’s expectations. They regretted the dreams they’d shelved, the paths not taken.
It’s not about quitting your job to paint. It’s about noticing where you’re living for approval and making small course corrections. One patient told Ware she’d always wanted to learn Italian but never did because her family thought it was frivolous. She died without ever ordering coffee in Rome.
2. “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”
Male patients said this most often. They regretted missing their children’s childhoods and their partner’s companionship for the sake of promotions and paychecks. One man, a successful executive, told Ware he’d spent forty years building a business and barely remembered his daughter’s school plays.
The regret isn’t about ambition—it’s about balance. When people are dying, they don’t wish they’d answered more emails. They wish they’d been present for the moments that mattered.
3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”
Many patients suppressed anger, sadness, and even love to keep the peace. They swallowed their true selves to avoid conflict, and the result was a life that felt hollow. Ware wrote that they settled for a “mediocre existence” rather than risk rejection.
Expressing feelings doesn’t mean being reckless. It means saying the hard thing, asking for what you need, and letting people know they matter to you—before it’s too late.
4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
In the busyness of life, friendships fall away. Patients often didn’t realize how much their old friends meant until they were dying, and by then, reconnecting felt impossible. One patient told Ware she’d lost touch with her best friend from college over a silly argument and had spent decades wanting to call but never doing it.
Friendship is a practice, not a possession. It requires upkeep—a phone call, a note, a visit. The dying often see this clearly, but the living tend to postpone it.
5. “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”
This one surprised Ware. Many patients realized only at the end that happiness was a choice, and they had stayed stuck in old patterns—resentment, worry, fear. They mistook comfort for contentment and forgot that joy is something you allow, not something that happens to you.
This regret isn’t about ignoring pain. It’s about not letting fear dictate your default mood. As one patient said, “I was so busy being miserable that I forgot to notice the good things.”
The Caveats: What the Data Doesn’t Tell Us
Ware’s list is powerful, but it’s not a scientific study. Her patients were a specific group: mostly white, middle-class Australians. Other hospice nurses, like Hadley Vlahos in The In-Between, report that many patients express peace and gratitude rather than regret—especially those who had time to process their diagnosis.
Psychological research adds nuance. Daniel Kahneman’s work on the “remembering self” shows that we judge our lives by peak moments and endings, not the whole experience. And psychologist Neal Roese’s research on regret distinguishes between actions we regret (things we did) and inactions (things we didn’t do). In the long run, inaction regrets are more persistent and painful—which matches the hospice stories.
What This Means for You
The power of these regrets isn’t in the dying—it’s in the living. You don’t have to wait for a terminal diagnosis to ask yourself: Am I living true to myself? Am I working too hard? Am I expressing my feelings? Am I staying in touch with friends? Am I letting myself be happy?
These questions are uncomfortable, which is why most people avoid them. But the hospice nurses’ point is that the discomfort of reflection is nothing compared to the regret of a life unlived.
You don’t need to overhaul your life overnight. You just need to start noticing where you’re out of alignment. Then, make one small change. Call an old friend. Say “I love you.” Take a day off. The regrets of the dying are a map—use it while you still have time.
The top five regrets of the dying are not a verdict on how to live, but a mirror. They reflect the gap between what we want and what we do. The good news is that you can close that gap now, without waiting for a hospice bed. Start with one regret you don’t want to repeat, and take a step toward the life you’d be proud to look back on.
Summary
- The most common deathbed regret is not living a life true to oneself, according to hospice nurse Bronnie Ware.
- Other top regrets include working too hard, not expressing feelings, losing touch with friends, and not choosing happiness.
- Ware’s findings are anecdotal, not scientific, and come from a specific cultural group.
- Psychological research supports the idea that inaction regrets (things we didn’t do) are more painful and persistent than action regrets.
- You can use these regrets as a guide to make changes in your own life before it’s too late.
FAQ
Q: Is Bronnie Ware’s list based on scientific research?
A: No, it’s anecdotal. Ware was a palliative care nurse who compiled the regrets from her own patients. It’s not a peer-reviewed study, but it resonates with many people and other hospice professionals.
Q: Do all dying people express regret?
A: No. Some hospice nurses report that many patients, especially those who had time to process their diagnosis, express peace, gratitude, and acceptance instead of regret.
Q: Why do inaction regrets hurt more than action regrets?
A: Psychologist Neal Roese’s research suggests that inaction regrets—things we didn’t do—are more persistent because we can always imagine what might have been. Action regrets, on the other hand, are often resolved with forgiveness or acceptance.
Q: How can I avoid these regrets?
A: Reflect regularly on your priorities, express your feelings honestly, maintain friendships, and actively choose happiness. Small, consistent actions matter more than grand gestures.
Q: What about regrets that aren’t on the list?
A: Other hospice professionals report additional regrets like not forgiving, not traveling, worrying too much, and not taking better care of health. The list isn’t exhaustive, but the themes are similar.
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